Goblins (2005/07/11)
Tolkien's Middle-Earth makes so apt a comparison to various types of entertainment for having straddled so many categories, dragging folklore into modernity, melding symbolism and memorable characters while fleshing out so internally coherent a cosmology that it has remained our greatest reference point for deliberate fictional world-building. Between penning The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, however, that world had to be partly un-built. Casually whimsical digressions like talking coin-purses were either abandoned or heavily downplayed in order to accommodate the more logical causes and effects of a superior narrative.
On the other hand, this?
This is not a superior narrative.
Despite its reliance on Tolkien's orcs and elves, Dungeons and Dragons never seems to have been good at separating bad ideas from good. Aside from the baser sword and sorcery tripe, the many-muscled, mealy-mouthed Conans which infect its basic concept, it also appears prone to latching on to various pulp fads in vain attempts to stay trendy. When 4th edition finally jumped the shark, Pathfinder branched off as what should have been a more respectable alternative. Or at least so I thought as an outsider to tabletop games, and nursed vain hopes that Pathfinder: Kingmaker would trim away some of the talking purses and sow's ears to build a deep and coherent cRPG world. Instead it reeks of the Neverwinter Nights "baby's first RPG" idiot-friendly routine of simplistic characters, force-fed morality and wouldn't-it-be-cool-if insertions.
Mimics are the sort of notion which sounds cool on a bar napkin - and should stay there. There's suspension of disbelief and then there are monster ideas that would've even made Bavarian children in 1800 roll their eyes at the sheer absurdity. They derail the feel of the entire world around them. Might as well put in sock puppets as witches' familiars while you're at it. Oh, what's that? They did that too by allowing casters to substitute items instead of pets as familiars? Par for the course I suppose, in a game with a pair of pretty young demi-humans (bad boy and good girl, natch) with a tragic slavery backstory as sexed-up fan service props.
But I could stomach most of the gratuitously min-maxed, simplistic NPCs until I hit the "season pass" content and realized just what utter garbage I'd paid extra for. Both installments' central NPCs so far are touted as romance options, which in itself would be reason enough to cringe. But the playable one, Kalikke/Kanerah (yes, she's a "they" ... ugh) is just utterly disgusting all around. For one thing, she's yet another charmingly dashing non-evil tsundere tiefling with a heart of gold.
"- and so, in leaving behind my fiendish heritage, I became hated by the drow and instantly gained an ultra-cool enemy which vicariously gives my character importance" - Goblins
Though, in the spirit of counting one's curses, at least this latest version of Annah/Haer'Dalis/Neeshka isn't also a rogue. She's a "kineticist" which is worse. Much, much worse.
Magic is usually presented as the fantasy-land equivalent to real-world science. Thus it is rightly a realm of the mind, of sagacity, careful study and preparation. Though it may accompany crass physicality, it should never be confused with it. Sorcerers were a bad enough digression from the arts of the mind, and warlocks were inexcusable, but the kineticist seems entirely ripped off from that imbecilic Airbender farce. Super-saiyan kamehamonks? Elrond and Mithrandir would turn over in their graves. No thanks. Spellcasting should never be demeaned by such filth. Despite everything you're told in liberal arts college departments, you're not obligated to pander to every last degenerate little backbirth's demands to copy/paste the latest half-hour toy commercial into your product.
I told Kalikke to take a hike. At this point, in order to buy anything else from Owlcat Games I'd have to see either some stunningly glowing reviews or a pretty lengthy list of all the employees they've fired and replaced with someone more intellectually competent. Yes, I get that they wanted to secure themselves an audience while it's young, but marketing to children should not mean marketing only to stupid children. I don't need you to include my childhood into your product either, no matter how hilarious it would be to see you try to shoehorn Captain Planet into Faerun.
And guess what? Those worthless little twerps you think you're attracting by spoonfeeding them munchkin-friendly props are not interested in single-player cRPGs anyway. They're in World of Warcraft, modeling their latest spaulders and holding pissing contests about their DPS. The smarter teens, the ones you should be marketing to, are the ones who appreciate the shift in tone between Tolkien's main incarnations of Middle-Earth, the greater depth and structure of LOTR and The Silmarillon.
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