Saturday, February 27, 2021

Cheat and Obey

"A little cheat while you turn away
Things we repeat one more time
Day after day
[...]
Go take my place
One more time
Then we can resume"
 
 
 
My recent triumphant return to Skyrim hit a small snag along one of the main quest's branches when the old pookven up on the mountain sent me to find a wordwall at Bonestrewn Crest, a location I'd already explored on my own several years ago, cluttering my journal with a broken quest. Gnashing my fangs a bit at the indignity I nonetheless pressed forward with my various other heroic epics, shelving the bug for later. That is, until the courier delivered me a note to find a wordwall at... you guessed it, Bonestrewn Crest.
 

Whew.
Okay, okay, deep breath, deeeeeeeep breath, not gonna get mad, just gonna keep dovahkiining things up elsewhere and not worry about those hideous unfinished quest markers. Let's see, what have the Companions been up to lately? Vilkas wants to hunt dragons with me? Right on my shaggy snarly brother, let us away to... oh, fuck me... nonononoNOOOOOOOoooooo!
(Bonestrewn Crest)
Yes of course it's bugged and doesn't complete upon the dragon's death. How could it even be otherwise?

So at about this point I started wondering why that location name rings a bell from way back six years ago. Oh, right: that one dragon whose death animation doesn't trigger its actual death and continues hammering you with attacks as an invincible supersonic flying skeleton had spawned at... where else but muddafuggin' Bonestrewn Crest?

Let's recap: that's at least four bugs in one location in one playthrough, unaddressed since the game's launch, and while I could just leave the word wall quests unfinished, being permanently stuck with Vilkas in tow would prevent me from completing any stealth-based content so it definitely falls into game-breaking territory and can only be fixed by CHEATING and autocompleting via console commands.

Never ask me to cheat.

Admittedly, Skyrim boasts a pretty good success rate in bug-squashing considering its staggering scope, the content amounting to entire series' worth of other games, but when it fails it fails spectacularly. Bonestrewn Crest is not just bugged in itself, but as far as I can tell one of its problems is not setting completion flags correctly, and thus acts as a magnet for other bugs as well, like the word wall quests which apparently lack a separate flag for locations already visited.

Here we edge from a justifiable margin of error (though after so many years, someone should really be taking another look at this pile of hardcoded incompetence that is Bonestrewn Crest) into developers' disdain for their own customers. Ensuring word walls are flagged separately from (respawning) dungeon completion should've been a core feature of those quests. Did no-one at Bethesda think RPGamers might explore all they could before tackling the climactic epic? Is polishing off side quests before the main event not a core RPG strategy since the '70s? Did you expect me to run clapping my handsies in excitement to execute the greybeards' edict as soon as I got it just because you slapped a damn quest marker on my map?

See, we keep returning to my chief gripe with Skyrim: instead of making the most of its sandbox side (which was TES' claim to fame anyway) it was retooled to appeal to tools, to morons who do what they're told, who chase quest markers instead of plotting their own course in a brave new world.

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

A Small Step - W(h)ither?

I ran across two news items side by side yesterday morning.
On one hand, our tribe's new big chief Biden lamenting the half a million American deaths to COVID-19 and preaching unity going forward. Never mind that his own party was so eager to drum up a race war to fire up their political base that they thought nothing of inciting 25 million degenerates to crowd into the streets spewing virulence while they terrorized their neighbours.
On the other hand, NASA's video of yet another rover's landing on Mars, a feat of scientific precision so far beyond most of our minds that I demean it even by my interest, like a worm struggling to grok a coffin.

We are not the same species. With every daily news cycle, the chasm between worthwhile minds and the simian glut widens, the few remaining bridges crumble, the need to define individuality beyond humanity grows more pressing.
 
Let's leave the planet to those very few superhuman intellects who deserve it. Exterminate us. Please.

Monday, February 22, 2021

Adventures in Clicking: WH: 40K: Gladius: Relics: of: War:

"Good morning killer king you're a star
That's gorgeous hold it right where you are"
 
Amanda Palmer - Guitar Hero
 
 
Decided Sanctus Reach isn't worth even my worthless time (got as far as Goff Town before the tedium did me in) so with a sale on WH40K games I've moved on to Gladius, the recent 4X adaptation of the setting. So far it's... slightly better, I'll give it that, but a multifaceted summation will have to wait. For now, I just find the interface design lacking.


Just as WH40K:Armageddon was a cheaply reskinned WWII game with ork graphics substituted for nazis, Gladius is a reskinned version of Proxy Studios' old Alpha Centauri clone Pandora: First Contact. While I had numerous complaints about Pandora, the interface was not one of them, and even transposed to Gladius it remains fundamentally sleek, clean and efficient, unlike say Sanctus Reach's counterintuitive muddling. Hence my choice of wording: not "broken" but lacking. Take that screenshot above, where I tried clicking on a hex near my city only to have a notification icon automatically expand under the cursor. Why? The notification icons themselves would be perfectly clickable without occupying the whole space above your minimap.
 
Then there's animation speed, thankfully adjustable but badly proportioned, with overdrawn wind-up/down portions at the start and end of each action. Or the lack of CTRL+# bookmarks. Or that units cancel their movement orders if their destination's momentarily occupied, regardless of how many turns remain to said destination. Or this bullshit:

Can you tell me why my unit's pathing ten turns to move a single hex? Give up? Turns out he's standing atop a cliff. Do you see the cliff? Huh? Do ya? No? Yeah, me neither, and in a game which heavily encourages interdiction this sort of detail does not benefit from subtlety.
 
Most annoyingly though, Gladius seems aggressively opposed to the very idea of queuing actions. The lack of a research queue struck me first, as I prefer setting a progression sequence a hundred turns in advance in these games. Being unable to queue actions during an enemy turn is not unusual (though newer games have been letting you click some options and processing your order as soon as your turn starts) but in Gladius you can't even queue animations to take place before turn's end. The "end turn" button erases unprocessed orders. Even more perplexing, you can't rearrange production queues, a feature that's been standard in strategy genres for fifteen years. Topping even that, units can't be given waypoints.

I'd go easier on these idiots if not for Gladius heavily recycling Pandora's existing gameplay with repainted miniatures. You had SIX YEARS to polish this turd, and for all you've been passing Gladius off as your big ticket item with a big-name license attached, your customers can reasonably demand some quality of life features. Okay, fine, I can forgive, say, a lack of projected unit paths on mouse-over... but no waypoints? This is a 1990s issue. Did you at least figure out action hotkeys for yourselves or did your playtesters need to remind you of those?

Friday, February 19, 2021

Catechism

"In the shadow of the big screen
Everybody begs to be redeemed"
 
Metric - Synthetica
 
 
I confess to an occasional guilty pleasure in comedy news television like the Daily Show knock-offs featuring Jon Stewart's old coterie. Pleasure, because modern culture's rampant anti-intellectualism has deprived us of urbane, educated public voices and it's always refreshing to hear a popular speaker who does not affect yokel mannerisms for mass appeal. Guilty, because they do require mass appeal of some sort, as well as financier appeal, and they pay their bills by servicing the Democratic Party's voting blocs. Which, again, is a damn sight better than the alternative, but still entails constant prostration before some altar or another. Feminism, as the most obvious and widespread placeholder religion of our age, demands the lion's share of such debasement. Take for instance Last Week Tonight's segment from July on coronavirus conspiracy theories:

The show's writers threw that image in your face, seemingly out of context as a throwaway gag, shortly before criticizing Mikovits, a female conspiracy theorist from the anti-medicine screed Plandemic. Purely by coincidence, Oliver immediately segued to a quote from the film's male producer questioning the disbelief of Mikovits' anti-facemask nonsense in light of the #MeToo corollary slogan to always believe all women. To which Oliver retorted: "the phrase is 'believe women' not 'believe all women'" and "the point of that movement is not 'well, I guess we'll just all have to take Rachel Dolezal at her word now!'"

A dishonest rebuke (of an otherwise valid target) on multiple points. Dolezal really was taken at her word when she started masquerading as African, for about five years from a cursory glance. One wonders how much that timespan was lengthened by our communal presumption of women as entitled, unquestionable, pristine martyrs, or how long a white man in blackface would've lasted in her place, as a public speaker and activist no less, lacking the neotenized features to lower everyone's guard, or how heavily the same expectation of sympathy featured in Plandemic's choice of interviewee. From that baseline of credulity, if we're to proceed under the umbrella of "believe women" we could easily expect these same two-faced females' credibility to skyrocket if making sexual misconduct accusations against men. The social "justice" warriors who parrot the phrase absolutely mean it as an absolute statement to ALWAYS believe ALL women in inter-sexual conflict - just try finding examples where feminists have disbelieved a female accusing a man of breaking some taboo. Over the past few years we've seen men accused of literal or figurative rape by every woman who's ever been in a room with them, and neither politicians nor media figures dare to so much as clear their throats at the sheer logistic absurdity of these claims.

However, it was the very next statement from Last Week Tonight's segment which prompted me to bookmark it for a blog post: "a common trait of conspiracy theories that they're inherently self-sealing, with any criticism just becoming evidence that the whole thing is just bigger than anyone could've imagined." Oft noted, and consistently true. As a side-note, such recursive self-justification most obviously shows in religious dogma. There's always a pervasive source of evil, and anyone who denies the influence of The Devil must be an agent of The Evil One Himself! Every absolutist belief will construe lack of evidence as evidence in itself, as exemplified by a witch-hunter's quote from shortly before the Salem trials: “If any are Scandalized, that New England, a place of as serious Piety, as any I can hear of, under Heaven, should be troubled so much with Witches; I think, 'tis no wonder: Where will the Devil show most Malice but where he is hated, and hateth most?
 
I quoted that bit once before, in the context of accusations of racism. Oliver aligns himself just as desperately to the winning side of a witch hunt when he sandwiches even the lightest criticism of a female spouting conspiratorial gibberish between a gratuitous slam against men in general and an attempt to shift his audience's rage onto the movie's producer as being anti-woman. Reaffirmations of one's faith in the superiority of those born the correct sex have only grown more farcical over the past decade. Much like religious incantations, that statement in the screenshot doesn't need to make sense. It might in fact be interpreted as the opposite of feminism, declaring that the failings of individual men do not reflect on all... but we know damn well that's not the case. Just as when you hear a skinhead muttering something about "the jews" you know he's probably not expressing a love of matzo, when the audience of Last Week Tonight sees the words "man failing miserably" you can expect them to interpret it as Blame All Men. For Everything. Always.
 
Want a bigger conspiracy theory? Try the core feminist assertion that the category "Men" has colluded to oppress the category "Women" for all of history, everywhere, no other explanations admitted no way no how no ma'am. It comes complete with "criticism just becoming evidence that the whole thing is just bigger than anyone could've imagined" as feminists ignore or shift the goal-posts away from every new piece of disconfirming evidence, redefining it as "patriarchy hurts men too" parroting the "stop hitting yourself" schoolyard bully's catchphrase.

Finally, I must note the multimillion-dollar writing team behind the show felt the need to correct the phrasing "believe all women" even though it's a fucking Twit-tag and not a mathematical law. You can hear the same desperation for legitimacy when religious crackpots correct anyone making fun of Jonah living inside a whale, because the Bible doesn't say "whale" but only "big fish". Oh, you didn't specifically say "all" women? My mistake. That must make me so wrong about you promoting a bigoted worldview in which those born the wrong sex are pre-condemned as inherent criminals. Let none dispute the scriptural perfection of the holy trinity of Steinem, Koss and Dworkin!
 
_______________________________________________
 
 
edit 2021/03/16:
 
Last Week Tonight laid the icing on this particular cake about nine months later (or wait, would that just be the afterbirth?) when they attacked another political show host, Tucker Carlson, as racist. Because of course, everyone's racist and sexist except for Last Week Tonight, the show which inserts at least three gratuitous slams against whites and/or men into every segment. Because those people born the wrong sex and race deserve abuse.
They dismissed Carlson's defense against this all-purpose witch's mark of the modern age by claiming he defined racism too narrowly. Quoth Oliver: "'I don't burn crosses or lynch people, so I can't be a white supremacist' is a pretty weak argument."
ORLY?
Yet the exact words defense is somehow perfectly valid for Last Week Tonight, because you can't be promoting anti-male propaganda if you didn't specifically pass a law defining all women as angels and all men as demons... right Johnny?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly inclined to defend Tucker Carlson or anyone else on Fox, but do note Oliver's hypocrisy of accusing others of bigotry while constantly promoting a social movement which values mens' lives less than one-eighth that of a woman... but not in those exact words.

I will not accept the presumption that black supremacism is somehow morally superior to white supremacism, or that female chauvinism is justified by male chauvinism.

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

Portrait of an Ass-Grabber

I was going to bash John Oliver for some asides he made back in July, but in doing so I visited the Wikipedia page for the conspiracy propaganda flick Plandemic and ran across this quote:
 
"the video 'has been extremely successful at promoting misinformation for three reasons':
[...]
#2: It 'is packaged very professionally and uses common conventions people already associate with factual documentaries'"
 
Now, I may be a simple compound man-wolf from a backwoods platform of self-expression, but it strikes me we're missing the forest for the toilets.
Should those conventions be so common in the first place?
Maybe those other, more professional purveyors of factual documentaries should present facts instead of abusing emotionally manipulative gimmicks:
shakycam Cops-style "real-world" footage
breathy, gripping narration
music scores too dramatic for even soap operas
amateur theater grade re-enactments
computer-generated simulations of glossy, utopian futures or world-shaking disasters
long-perspective, narrated sequences of protagonists walking toward their locus operandi
having protagonists in the first place! in a documentary!
lowering the audience's defenses by feigned bonhommie like claiming to be just a simple country lawy----
...
hey, how 'bout we cut this post short
*whistles innocently*

Monday, February 15, 2021

 Hey, what do you say before flushing a dead weasel?
"Let's get this potty stoated!"

Friday, February 12, 2021

The Elfemism Treadmill

"those of the after days shall scoff, saying who are the fairies - lies told to the children by women or foolish men - who are these fairies? And some few shall answer: Memories faded dim, a wraith of vanishing loveliness in the trees, a rustle in the grass, a glint of dew, some subtle intonation of the wind; and others yet fewer shall say... 'Very small and delicate are the fairies now, yet we have eyes to see and ears to hear, and Tavrobel and Kortirion are filled yet with [?this] sweet folk. Spring knows them and Summer too and in Winter still they are among us, but in Autumn most of all do they come out, for Autumn is their season, fallen as they are upon the Autumn of their days. What shall the dreamers of the earth be like when their winter come."

J.R.R. Tolkien - The Book of Lost Tales
 
 
When I first played Morrowind I remember being outraged at hearing Orcs were not their own race but had been narratively elevated to some degenerate form of elves. For about five minutes. Then I remembered my Silmarillion and Tolkien's own explanation: Melkor, unable to create life but only to pervert it, "twisted" some early elves into the first orcs - and the rest is imaginary history. In fact, for all we (justifiably) scoff at every fantasy setting having like, 17 types of superfluous elves now, the sundering of the elves seems one of the earliest stable core concepts of Tolkien's mythology, along with the exile of the gnomes a.k.a. Noldor, from the time Sauron was just an overgrown housecat with a shiny gold collar. Moreover, early versions take the "diminishing" of the firstborn literally, with statuesque, superhuman elves shrinking to toadstool fairy proportions and fading to intangibility as humanity rises to power. Given Tolkien's influence in modern fantasy, maybe we can't blame fantasy cosmologies like The Elder Scrolls for interposing more races of "mer" of varying stature among its other borrowed gimmicks.
For instance something named after the Falmari for no particular reason.

Well... maybe we can blame them just a little.
The snarling troglodyte peppering me with arrows is a "Falmer" or supposedly former race of snow elves, who now run bug farms deep underground in abandoned dwarvish (Dwem-Mer) ruins, with Moria architecture and Minas Morgul lighting. For bonus points, descriptions of the Falmer make sure to reiterate that they were "twisted" into their current form. But they're Totally Not Klingons -errr, Orcs. Orcs are a race of straight-backed, square-jawed noble warriors and blacksmiths who believe in trial by combat, which are completely different from the other straight-backed, square-jawed noble warrior Nords who believe in trial by combat. One kind has boar tusks. Get your noble warrior races straight.

I've already bemoaned here the denigration of Elvish superiority in modern games, but it bears mentioning you run into the same escalation in the other direction. Once you've demeaned elves to being indistinguishable from humans with pointy ears, you immediately need to supply your audience with ultra-elves like fairies and half-dragons. At the other end of the spectrum, once you've elevated orcs to being indistinguishable from humans with tusks, you suddenly require infra-orcs to fill all those empty caves. I'll leave aside the more practical game design question of balance for now in favor of another issue: given that Tolkien himself set the precedents for the sundering and diminishing of elves and their twisting into orcs, how do his modern copycats fail where he succeeded?

Mainly, would-be designers of fantasy worlds now tend to miss the point that many of Tolkien's comments were meant to integrate Christian and pagan mythology and to present Middle-Earth as our own world (place names in early drafts were initially meant to link to the geography of the British Isles) both concerns being utterly irrelevant to the vast majority of fantasy writers whose cosmology tends to be overtly and explicitly set in alternate worlds.

When we encounter them at the end of the Third Age, the elves remain decidedly super-human to act as communal hero's mentor to humanity's quest against Sauron. Their fading has been creeping up on them yet still looms mainly in the future, serving to explain why we future inhabitants of Midgard no longer notice them these days. Are you planning to turn the Tevinter Imperium into Sussex at some point in Dragon Age 17: Hackquisition? No? Then your elves need not fade. Slow birth rates and a lack of concern with realpolitik serve equally well to explain why a race of brilliant immortals hasn't taken over the world.
 
The sundering of the elves served to explain an otherwise odd distinction between "light" and "dark" elves in northern mythology. However, while Tolkien limited himself to Nordic myths (Atlantis aside) his imitators place no such restrictions on themselves. Words like "elf" and "dwarf" and "fairy" or "troll" and "ogre" and "goblin" have always been interchangeable across times and cultures anyway, and if you're already mixing mythologies then splitting one race just bogs you down in gratuitous thematic overlap. Is there a point to Dark Elves when you could just give devils their own culture? Sundering also allowed for some political conflict between elves instead of painting them as a single monolithic voting bloc, but we'll get to that in a moment.
Moreover, the various elvish peoples served to fill in the boundaries beyond Tolkien's narrative. The Teleri at Alqualonde filled a very specific narrative purpose, but shoehorning them and the Vanyar into the action of The Lord of the Rings would've only muddied the already tenuous distinction between Mirkwood and Lothlorien. Turning them all into playable races in an RPG runs the same risk of effacing relevant distinctions instead of outlining them. Or worse, of overlapping too heavily with human provincialism. Do you really need a race of elves defined by turnip-farming?

Painting orcs as malformed elves fed Tolkien's need to adhere to Christian doctrine of a singular creator. Couldn't very well have The Devil matching God's craftsmanship, now could we? But do you, oh modern fabulist, fear angering the almighty Ya-Wee-Wee should you let different gods create their own races? Does OrsiMering the Orcs fit any narrative purpose whatsoever that wouldn't be better served by more straightforward origin stories? Granted, adventure stories usually need boogeymen and the whole fallen angel schtick works wonders but then how do your elf-derived orcs differ from either other elves or from naturally barbaric monkey-men? What's the point?

Stop inventing a "new" race every time you want to tell a story. One could defeat both this specialness inflation and the other major fantasy world foible of medieval stasis by allowing cultures instead of breeds to change. After all, the wistful, somewhat fatigued, fatalistic Noldor who welcomed Bilbo and Frodo are a far cry from the fiery crusaders who crossed the Helcaraxe - and they didn't need to turn into either orcs or turnip-farming hu-mons to achieve that effect. Unfortunately, the common expectation of fantasy races is that each comes pre-built with its own fixed set of cultural beliefs and practices, unto eternity, and different cities populated by the same race are expected to look exactly the same. Occasionally, if we discover that players want to play orcs we might retcon and legitimize orcs... only to replace them with Falmer and discover that NewOrc tastes suspiciously similar to OrcClassic, or that the Fairies singing among the branches are just covering old Elvish Top40 hits.





____________________________________________________
P.S.
Granted, it may seem unfair of me to focus on The Elder Scrolls for this topic, as they've inserted change in a more natural fashion than most game series (Red Mountain, peace treaty terms for political change, etc.) but the series' races and geography were set in stone during the half-assed pre-Y2K period when nobody really expected video game lore to make sense.

P.P.S.
I suppose the title warrants an explanation, as not everyone has necessarily heard the term "euphemism treadmill"

Tuesday, February 9, 2021

What in the hosts of hell happened here?

"To the hosts of Hell his head then he turned:
'Let thy foul banners go forth to battle
ye Balrogs and Orcs; let your black legions
go seek the sweeping sword of Turgon.
Through the dismal dales ye shall be driven wailing
like startled starlings from the stooks of wheat.
Minions miserable of master base,
your doom dread ye, dire disaster!
The tide shall turn; your triumph brief
and victory vanish. I view afar
the wrath of the gods roused in anger.'"

J.R.R. Tolkien - The Children of Hurin (one of the middle versions)
(yes, it's all in verse... and people complain about the Silmarillion being old-timey, sheesh)


Most of you will notice something quaint about that passage, but for anyone who merely skimmed (shame on you) those eleven lines: FouBaFoBa / DisDaDri / SeeSweeSwo / MinMisMas / TiTuTri / ViVaVi. Alliteration is a valuable tool for wannabe amateur dilettantes like myself incapable of valid creative effort, but to see one of the greats leaning on such a flimsy crutch always feels like walking in on Saint Francis masturbating. I mean, geez, reaching for terminology like "stooks" raises the effort put into this gimmick to the level of farce.
 
I had been quote-mining The History of Middle Earth for a post about Falmer and Orsimer but could not escape, for the twentieth time since I started leafing through it, the momentous realization that Tolkien was not born a masterful spinner of epoch-transcending yarns.
Look, to some of us it's a shock, alright?
I mean, when I giggled my way through this post five years ago I thought I was just having some fun with a paltry adaptation of a genre-defining classic, not parodying the master himself!

Saturday, February 6, 2021

Zu'u Meyz Mey

- because I couldn't find the Draconic translation of "d'oh!"
 
After a few years' on-again, off-again casual visits, I've been trying to polish off my playthrough of Skyrim, a game I've loved to hate in the past. On one hand, I love just wandering around those beautifully immersive landscapes which have elevated The Elder Scrolls to escapist paragons. On the other hand, I'm outright insulted by the console-tailored interface, simplistic skill system and "action" focus and especially the endless quest markers ordering me to and fro instead of letting me schedule my own looting campaigns a la Mount&Blade. What do you get after five years of randomly exploring, crafting and homesteading and little interest in following the idiot-friendly quest chains?
level 175
1.5 million gold pieces
several thousand potions
enough dragon scales to pave a highway
a basement full of skulls, bloody rags, torture / embalming tools and writing implements
... but I've only now witnessed a dragon being resurrected and the civil war... must be doing fine without me, I guess??
 
No more! -quoth the duvet-kink.
I shall finish this game to my satisfaction once and for all, starting with guild storylines, then all this vampire and dragon cultist nonsense, then finally the oversized cliff racers and crushing the rebel scum in the name of nonhuman supremacy. Of course, after all this time, I don't actually remember where anything is. My quest log informs me two of my outstanding tasks had been plucking some weeds in the gigantic cavern of Blackreach, and finding one of the the titular Elder Scrolls. After a couple of weeks of wandering about on other errands, unable to locate the scroll's quest location and having forgotten where all the unicorn-fart-powered elevators to the cavern were located, I consulted the cheat-sheet.
Aha!
The scroll can be found in a "Tower of Mzark" which also functions as one of Blackreach's elevators. Time to kill two birds with one stone, thinks I, clearing my inventory of ingredients and reloading it with enchanted crafts for sale, strapping on my finest equipment and pumping myself up for another lengthy thrust into Tamriel's nether regions.

Then I looked up Mzark's location.
Then I looked out the window of my house, Heljarchen Hall.

Ooohh, you meant THAT tower of mzark...
 
I've been back here a hundred times over the past years. Ever get the impression that virtual worlds serve only to provide new and exciting ways to ask ourselves: "crap, where did I leave my keys?"

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Hey, what do you call Egyptologists' jokes?
Sarcophagibes.