2026/02/18

Flickering Cells

"How can I change the path that I'm on?
This is my destiny
This is my life, my own right or wrong
Bring it on back to me
How can I say what it is that I want?
Wisdom speak to me
"
 
Syntax - Destiny
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"Aw, man! Brain-bug right up the nose! How plain silly! What are the chances it'd be shooting out of the drain right when my nose was over it? What's the word I'm looking for?
Argh!!!
'Contrived!' "
 
Sluggy Freelance, 28 Geeks Later parody, 2005/07/21
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Walk with me, dear reader, we'll be taking some twists and turns. First, among zombies:
What? This is too a zombie movie! See, they're looking for the zombies, with flashlights, it's totally plot relevant. I rarely bother with the subgenre, but re-viewing 28 Days Later gave me a chance to compare it (quite favorably) against more recent brain-muncher fare like Army of the Dead, whose pile of cliches indicates how hopelessly played-out zombies had become by '21. The most random of these appear to fit no purpose in the story but to fill script pages, like political posturing on immigration, obligatory scene of action girl visiting vengeance upon an obligatorily stupid and greedy male sexual predator, nerd who must prove his manliness, obvious sneering hateable backstabber, and the daddy who must spend all movie making amends to his daughter for just not being daddy enough for her tastes. But even the more genre-specific, like super-zombies, the Bride of Frankenstein or the utter, cartoonish ease with which our designated heroes dispatch endless swarms, all strain so hard at upping the ante it's no wonder they just went ahead and made a Las Vegas song-and-dance number out of the whole mess.*
 
Of course even two decades earlier 28 Days Later was itself trying to dodge being pigeonholed as a "zombie" flick with all due shambling, given the genre's increasing saturation, so instead played up the societal collapse. The lights no longer come on, the water no longer runs, the double-deckers got double-decked, food doesn't get brought in, the tunnels are clogged, there's no cops to keep the thugs in check. No maids sweep away the rubble, no minimum-wage employees put the shopping carts back in their places. You might say these are also cliches used in common with Mad Max and disaster movies but if so it's because they're natural out-growths of a complex world we take for granted, not merely feel-good applause moments engineered by Hollywood. A collapse is a collapse, whether by zombies, thunderdomes, ETs, superstorms or an invasion of redcaps. Our monkey instincts push us to view everything as a social conflict, victory to be achieved by crushing a rival, a personification of evil, a bogeyman, one which can be screamed at and taunted or threatened with sky-waved fist. But the universe itself is death, scratching at this illusory blip of sapient civilization with a myriad tendrils, constantly.
 
Is the blood drop scene in 28 Days Later contrived? No, the contrivance is that it didn't happen sooner, that they'd get so far in the first place without stumbling face-first into an infected blood-puddle, that they didn't get fried by an electrified puddle of water near a still-functioning backup generator or flattened by debris falling off skyscrapers and that no mosquitos passed the infection around. The true contrivance is the universal storytelling convention that nature must step back so the narrative gets resolved by a heroic plot arc satisfying our primitive mammalian social/competitive instincts. A real collapse will come with more hazards than a marketing tagline can express. The whole point of avoiding civilization-destroying contrivances like mushroom clouds, gray goo, global warming or engineered plagues is that once you let rip with a stinker like that, the wind's gonna blow it whichever way it pleases.** The world is bigger than your stupid monkey ambitions.
 
Which is not to say it's completely unpredictable or inexplicable.
The COVID-19 pandemic had its funny moments, like this illustration of sampling error. Unless you believe the small country of Lesotho, completely surrounded by South Africa, actually had so fewer cases than its one neighbour and largest trade partner, or that Africa as a whole had so few cases. In which case I've got some Venusian real estate to sell you. No, it just had few test kits to discover why exactly grandpa coughed himself to death. And despite the lack of hard, positive scientific proof of untested cases, if you have a working brain you can spot the necessary interconnection (geographic, physical) in that image and take the results with the requisite fistful of salt.
 
Contagion, edge effects, cross-contamination, downstream effects, thermoclines, subduction zones, habitats and niches, study the natural world from most any angle and you run into endless examples of matter impacting other matter in very complex ways based on very simple rules. All it takes is a few gradients - of energy, of density, of pressure, of elevation, of whatever. It can be as simple as on/off states.
Conway's Game of Life is one nice way to get yourself into that mindset, and you need not delve any convoluted mathematics to see individual squares or larger structures as rudimentary biomes, organisms, molecules, whatever magnification you want to imagine. Bilateral symmetry is quite easy to achieve and there's even predation of sorts, when an overpopulated, exploded structure swarms out and demolishes anything nearby, or when a glider impacts a stable structure just right to send a new glider off in another direction. It makes a nice rejoinder to the cretinous religious insistence that self-replicating life is too complex to have arisen by itself. Bullshit. Look at repeating, dispersing patterns arising from far less complexity than that provided by carbon compounds. And each individual cell's next state is driven by its surroundings, much as in life.
 
Of course, that's too much information for the average voter, which can only rattle a single isolated binary in its hollow skull at a time. The American presidunce spat out one of his innumerable random bits of idiocy on the occasion of last month's cold snap in the Eastern U.S., claiming as usual that it disproves global warming, and the degenerate inbreds going truck-nuts over his every dribbled inanity picked it up as gospel. Unsurprising as "if it's currently cold in my back-yard there's no global warming" is routinely dredged up as a redneck sound bite as often as "if we evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?" The real explanation was of course simple enough. Europe and the U.S. were two cold fronts isolated in a swirling totality of overheating. Cold air was actually channeled southward by warm, humid air over the oceans. If that explanation sounds familiar, it's because the disruption of the polar vortex by global warming has been explained to the rabble every couple of years for an entire generation when it keeps causing such local cold snaps, over and over again. Looks like a glider impacted something.***

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" is a particularly funny phrase for how often it must be repeated because everyone keeps forgetting it. Some things cannot repeat. The Black Forest is gone. The Nemean Lions of southern Europe were exterminated at the dawn of recorded history. And the coral reefs I visited with my parents on vacation a quarter century ago are now dead, and will only get deader along with all the life that depended on them. But the pattern repeats. Our species is death. We are the ravenous, brainless, ever-swelling shambling horde.
 
Our own behavior is just more squares on the grid, lighting up predictably in response to adjacent stimuli. Easy enough to explode if you know where to click. There's a grim comedy to the recent rumours that ICE agents (y'know, the thugs shooting civilians in the back in the middle of the street?) here in the U.S. have not been getting their promised $50,000 signing bonus from their all-star team. Specifically, the comedy always lay in the amount itself, precisely ten times the $5000 promised by the exquisitely Trumpian dictator Berzelius Windrip to every American should they elect him in the 1935 novel It Can't Happen Here. Which (important plot point) of course nobody ever receives. It is only mentioned again to illustrate how disjointed from reality they'd remained even as various characters began being herded into concentration camps while still dreaming of their promised loot. Even the few which did initially make out like bandits rapidly turned the same treatment on each other. A work of fiction? Now adjust that pie in the sky tenfold for inflation. Your recruiters are laughing right in your faces because you're too moronic to see it.
 
"Barlow realized that some things had not changed, that Jack Ketch was never asked to dinner no matter how many shillings you paid him to do your dirty work, that murder will out, that crime pays only temporarily" - The Marching Morons, C.M. Kornbluth

Funny thing about conservatism: you can't conserve when the squares around you start flickering. We'll be piling shopping carts as barricades soon enough. Won't keep the boiling flood waters out, though.
 
Here's one last parting shot though: remember that climactic moment in 28 Days when the hero bursts in, rampaging in the jealous rage of any murderous ape rushing to the defense of his mate, the moment when the hero is indistinguishable from the monsters. There's a lot of talk here in the states about the mid-term elections and the possibility of overturning the incipient dictatorship. Of course, there very well may be no further elections. The murderous thugs willing to gun you down at a protest will not shy away from doing the same in front of a voting booth if you look too un-American for their tastes. But if the self-appointed rebel alliance should win, it will still not have ever questioned the myriad ways in which its own obsessions drove politics into the current cesspit. It will retrench in its gender Lysenkoism and identity politics insanity, proselytize its irrational postmodernist anti-realist dogma all the more forcefully. Thus the cycle will only roll over again two years from now and you'll be looking back at these months as the last chance, the single remaining heartbeat of opportunity when you should have taken the shot - at your own heroic selves.
 
You think you can sell the right ad campaign, but how different are you from the morons? 

 
 
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* The zombie tiger though, that was legit coolsauce. Not that it actually does much.
** Compare with a writer who got it quite right, Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle and the ease of death in a world of Ice-9.
*** Even if your attention were so feeblemindedly restricted to your back-yard square, you could've compared temperatures on the same day in your back-yard over the past few decades, or average yearly temperatures locally, or the number of below and above average temps in a single year, and almost certainly received the same confirmation that the warming trend continues. In fact you can do that for free through the National Weather Service's records.

2026/02/14

AoW4 Factions, 8

AoW4 has managed the odd feat, unequaled since City of Heroes, of inspiring me to not just write up a character bio but constantly create new factions and give them all more or less whimsical flavor text. So here they are, one by one:
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I'm not too keen on dragons as a fantasy trope, so didn't know what to do with this next one. But the hoarding game mechanic fed me an easy gimmick, especially for an earth dragon. I'm just a material dragon boy in a material mammal world. The "wow, birds are dinos?" angle was again too hard to resist.

2026/02/12

The Mighty Shovelhead

It's Darwin day. I never bothered with it until I realized how much it cheeses off the fundies, so stroke your beards and let's do another evolutionary topic to make Jesus not roll over in his grave because he's been dead for two thousand years and long-dissolved skeletons don't do that.
 
I stopped watching Jurassic Park movies after the second (and that idiotic gymnastics scene) but corporations being what they are, they've apparently been cranking out increasingly pointless sequels ever since, with increasingly ridiculous dinos that have basically become either goblins or kaiju, it's hard to tell. Or maybe I just don't care to. They must be scraping the bottom of the barrel if at least one recent installment, Dominion(?) included Lystrosaurus of all things, and of course gave it an adorable pug face with humid baby eyes, chubby cheeks and expressive human eyebrows, because you can never say hello to too many kitties.* I assume they heroically murder a laser-armed T-Rex like the ewoks they are.
 
But, for the very same reason Lystrosaurus makes a ridiculous addition to an action movie, it's an interesting evolutionary emblem. Look at the damn thing. Just... look at it. Even without expert reconstructions, from gross skeletal anatomy alone you can guess the piggish little overgrown newt-moles lacked most any big ticket evolutionary adaptations like speed, reach, defense, weaponry, etc. It's one of the most stunningly unimpressive life-forms to have ever existed. And yet, for millions of years at the start of the Triassic, those doofy, quasimodoed stooges ruled the land.
 
For decades, countless learned pates appear to have bent over backwards trying to explain by reason or/of adaptation why Lystrosaurus took over so thoroughly. But so far, the best explanation remains the simplest and least flattering: the waddling clowns just got lucky! They're the classic example of a disaster taxon cranked up to eleven by the biggest disaster before we came along to destroy all of creation. The Permian mass extinction ("The Great Dying") wiped the board of their competitors and predators, and the few survivors reproduced out of control, filling that elusive environmental niche known as "mine, all mine" until reptiles and dinosaurs gradually outpaced and drove them into extinction.
 
The meek really did inherit the Earth, and then God fed 'em to giant salamanders. Ah, the grandeur of a perfect omniscient plan.
 
 
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* Looks like the movie also took some license with the shoulder joint and limb length to make it more action-oriented. Actual reconstructed skeletons look more splay-limbed and stubby. Then again, I'm guessing this is the least of what's wrong with the movie series.
 
By the by, Lystrosaurus wasn't a dinosaur or even any kind of "saurus" at all, but a therapsid cousin to our own proto-mammalian ancestors. Ugh, this was our champion? Man, we really took a beating back in the Mesozoic. Must be why we're destroying everything now. Repressed therapsid trauma.

2026/02/10

+100 XP per fish knocked off bicycle

"They're gonna set you up
So they can take you down
They're gonna suck you dry
They've left the blood to be found
They're gonna rip you apart
You're gonna burn at the stake
Cause when it's time to collect
It's only heroes who pay
"
 
Ministry - Hero
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"Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking."
from the Notebooks of Lazarus Long
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My recent jaunt through Black Legend produced a mixed bag of somewhat creative quest voiceovers alongside a now extremely tired, overused old plot twist and stock characters like the manic 'killumall' bombmaker NPC. So, yes, per obligatory tropes you also meet Stella, the dashing young heroine off to avenge her mother's death because her father's useless.
 
Naturally, like every other 'strong woman' example you meet in every game, she explicitly tells you she "doesn't need your help" right before you of course have no choice in completing the quest but helping her anyway, you filthy presumably male chauvinist pig, how dare you not lay down your life for those declaring you worthless? At least this time the burgeoning abusive relationship is not designated as a love interest.
 
Whenever one of these almighty action girls tells me she doesn't need my help (since every single fictional female can vanquish twenty men-at-arms at once with both tits tied behind her back) and acts insulted at my very presence, I should have the option to reply:
 
"Great then, fuck off ya bipolar tsundere bitch, why am I even talking to you?"
 
Then let me watch her Leeroy in and get her idiot head chomped off by a dragon like she deserves. That should be worth more XP than running slavishly after her to help her, and yield an achievement reading:
"Turns out the bicycle didn't need the fish, either."

2026/02/07

Mystery and Drama on a Leaf

Okay, so the one on the left is a big dipper firefly, Photinus pyralis. Common enough, and not particularly interesting in the daytime. I don't think they're big leaf-eaters even in their larval stage though, and the adults don't eat, so... just sunning yourself? Cool, bro, you do you.
More importantly, I thought bumblebees eat nectar, so what is that bumbler doing to... whatever the third thing is? A soldier beetle? If anything, that's supposed to be the predatory one. Really wish my image quality was better so I could tell what's going on underneath it. Is that its abdomen bent under, or an egg mass or what?
 
Anyway, have you checked your dandelions for drama lately? 

2026/02/04

Black Legend


Welcome to the low countries, ca. half-past... oooh... awk-waaaard.
Ummm, I didn't do it.
Yeah, we're in that period of European history. Bring your own bier.
 
I wanted less cartoony team tactics after Inkulinati and Elemental Evil, so Black Legend's grim, low-key aesthetic drew me in. The average gamer's age may be in the thirties now, but you wouldn't know it from the chibified, bubblegummy, bright and cozy kindergarten atmosphere developers adopt to go along with their sappy plots. But I digress.
 
If you're looking for actual role-playing, with moral decisions, branching quests and so forth, you won't find it here. What Black Legend does offer is an immersive, if linear, meander through the byways of a musket-era low fantasy setting.
I like that everything's been knocked over except the two-story-tall pillar of floppy sacks. Also, how is everyone in this town starving? There must be grain in at least some of these. Add a dog steak and you're living large. Anyway, visit scenic Grant, home among others to Christiaan Huygens (who for some reason does not use a telescope as a weapon) and to Antonie van Leeuwenhoek, cozy among his vats of animalcules. 
(You looked less... fermented, in your official portrait.)
Those pips around our character icons represent "unbalanced bodily humors" which comprise the alchemical combat system's main damage source. Stack them on your enemy, cash them in with a special attack scaling with adjacent combos. And they do work, the difference between a basic attack and triple combo being from single digits to triple, up to the thousands by the end-game. Technically there's also a large variety of buffs and debuffs, but since you couldn't address them individually even if such mechanics existed, functionally there are only humor stacks and a generic "debuff" category you can safely ignore. While interesting, it also means the quality of the mobs you fight matters little compared to whether they outnumber you, stacking more counters than you and triggering them before you can even act, and conversely that boss fights are trivialized by you outnumbering the boss 4-1. Flanking gives a nice damage bonus, but the lack of zones of control jumbles combat, especially as mobs are coded to act a bit too randomly to make for interesting tactics.
 
If you're noticing a pattern of interesting but flawed features, you can probably guess most of what I'm saying will fit "indie game" caveats. Some good ideas, some talent, but visibly over-stretched past the developers' means.
 
In a way Black Legend is a less ambitious but more playable take on Mordheim's urban scavenging, and though the interface doesn't interfere nearly as much it's once again a main source of frustration.
- moving takes an extra click
- chugging a pot requires a gratuitous submenu
- a "helpful" feature to speed up turn ends can cost you your last action
- you can speed up animations but as usual the problem is the prep and cleanup phases taking longer than actual motion
- ability icons get re-arranged on your hotbar or inexplicably appear/disappear from class selection
- attack lines occasionally fail to predict range and line of sight
- tooltips do not provide some critical info, like minimum/maximum range
- you initiate fights by entering your foes' field of vision... except when entering the rough area of a boss, whereupon your character automatically walks over to him initiating combat, preventing you from pre-fight preparations
- you get a map and a minimap but only the mini version displays your position
- clicking a portrait just zooms to that character instead of selecting it in the pre-fight screen
 
Individually, such little flaws can be ignored, but a dozen clunky interactions will begin to wear on you after the three hundredth repetition. Then some stuff is just bugged, even years after release, like tiles falsely appearing as occupied or out of range.
 
All in all, you get the feeling someone had planned a piece of period fiction and suddenly decided to make it a video game despite lacking the requisite programming or design expertise. As with Wartile or We Happy Few for example, quite a few mechanics feel tacked on after a design lead read a listicle on "the 10 top ways to keep players' interest" most notably the numerous loot boxes:
- and the constantly spammed "LEVEL UP" behavioral reinforcers. Black Legend uses a combat system I can't remember having tried before, where your ability scores determine your damage and your weapon your available abilities. 
Why yes, ladies, I am happy to see you.
In order to gain more abilities, you constantly need to swap each character to different class/weapon combos every few fights. Less chaotic than it sounds, as you'll still want to follow a general archetype (tank, melee and range DPS, healer) for each of your four, but get more wiggle room for cross-class combos. Interesting. But though this individual skill leveling pretty much removes the need for traditional character levels, the devs decided to keep those in as well. You'll LEVEL UP!!! ~120 times per party member during your campaign, with zero choices to upgrade, each time gaining a minor attribute boost, the whole routine obviously serving as no more than a dopamine drip.
 
Other features also seem tacked on per "industry standards" like map encounters randomized every time you re-enter zone, plenty of recruits even though they're all interchangeable, a few mid-campaign fetch quests to make you trudge through random respawns again (admittedly, less than in other games) infinite loot rendering the unsortable item list at the shop irrelevant. Like the interface issues, none of these would be too severe in themselves, but their self-conscious implementation as operant conditioning does more harm than good.
 
Because there really is a nice game under there.
The decor is solid, the mood grim without becoming maudlin, enemy abilities decently varied, the grand total of two character models (human and dog) reskinned and animated just enough to keep you entertained for twenty hours, weapon and armour both varied and recherche and scaling nicely from basic to ornate, the music, meh, just sounds like bot-generated whooshing, but the voice acting would sound surprisingly good even for a richer project. And the writing, while not taking itself too seriously and having some fun with random Dutch references, manages to stay in character
Yup. We're in the slums.
even in its more tongue-in-cheek moments. 
You think this is a game!?
The loot boxes, if a bit excessive, do keep you exploring the convoluted zones' scenic nooks. Fifteen playable classes add up to a bit of redundancy, but for the most part offer a lot of chances to mix-and-match damage sources for combos. Me being me, I could always cite more minor quibbles like why would you call your incendiary devices "molotovs" when "Greek fire" would have better fit the alchemical setting?
 
But in the end, I enjoyed wandering the canals, alchemisted and guisarmed to the teeth, reading street signs for directions, inflicting Science! upon flagellants. I find myself hoping Warcave made enough cash off this stumbling but promising first effort to stay in business. I'd like to see more from them.