Teut Teut Universalis

"Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. The right house is the house that's for sale. The right person is anyone."

The Simpsons S09E09 Reality Bites

 

 

Well, having abandoned my previous playthrough when Freakin' Pomerania kicked off the Thirty Years' War early, I chanced a few more attempts with the Teutons and finally lived the tell the tale.

 

Normally I'd bumrush the Livonian Order right out the gate for early territorial gains (look, if I don't do it, the Danes or Muscovites will) which stands a good chance of also netting me the profitable Riga, and also befriend Lithuania to forestall a Polish-Lithuanian offensive. Problem with that being I'm not quite adept enough at gaming the politics for war declarations that don't set the whole HRE against me, so it didn't leave much room for expansion.

 

This time I started by allying the Livonians, Bohemia, Hungary and Wolgast (the last being an absolute necessity until I can conquer the province of Netz/Nietz/Notec linking me to my two western provinces.) The key to success turned out to be leaving a diplomat continually currying favors to lower Hungary's opinion of Austria as often as I could. Without Hungary as an ally, Austria did not take off as it normally does, which also generally weakened the HRE far down the line - a double edged sword, as the French made more headway in that direction than I did. (For starters: Alsace got Lorrained.)

One important trick in EU4 vs. EU3: you can juggle the new "powers" currency system by investing in development then rapidly playing catch-up technologically and declaring war on the cusp of institution spread, when empires' tech investment stagnates. In this case I barely scrambled for military tech 8 in time not to get Poled to death. The first big war put me on the defensive but managed to snatch all 6 northern Polish provinces, plus split Stettin with my ally Wolgast, quickly followed by more 1530s land gains in Poland-Lithuania, which damn near bankrupted me but also allowed establishment of that large army with a small state attached.

(Also, since the Livonian Order broke our alliance by refusing to join in the war, it predictably got instantly flattened by Denmark.)

 

Baltic trade started picking up a bit, giving me more cash to play with. Kept Bohemia/Hungary/Wolgast as allies and finagled Switzerland and unfortunately Russia - a devil's bargain, but necessary to protect against Denmark, which has absolutely, intractably hated my Teutonic self in every playthrough. When Protestantism caught up with me I decided to convert, but was forced to devote the next few decades to putting down revolts, paying off my gigantic pile of loans and fighting inflation, and the religious split (along with Bohemia as divisive ally) cost me my Hungarian alliance. A series of Austrian wars left central Europe in shambles.

 

The surprise split of Galicia-Wolhynia from Poland-Lithuania gave me a small but valuable little wedge into their territories. Having to decline a war I was in no economic shape to fight lost me the Bohemian/Wolgast alliances and forced an awkward, desperate, unstable Swedish/Russian/Prussian block to deter the Danes or Ottomans. For a few decades I focused on smaller states, vassalizing Lippe and Ruppin, allying Thuringia, all in an infuriatingly gradual effort at dividing and conquering those nigh-infinite German principalities.

 

In the early 1600s I finally accrued enough leverage to invade Brandenburg and take, among other provinces Berlin. Which is how Werwolfe discovered that even if the "infamy" system was nerfed from EU3 to EU4's "aggressive expansion" it still has its breaking point. That and a last partition of Poland resulted in an almost pan-European coalition against me.

C'mon Bohemia, be cool, we split Poland together!

Dear reader, I don't mind admitting at this point I just exited game and went to bed, and very much wanted to be twelve years old again so I could cry myself to sleep.

...

But, when I fired up EU4 again days later, I survived the coalition by retreating into Siberia, dragging the war out for better terms. In the end I lost my vassals, plus the provinces of Mazovia and Stettin, but kept Berlin and Brandenburg, which was my main goal, so a marginal, technical win.

 

Hilariously, the peace terms worked out even more in my favor in the long run, leaving tiny principalities desperate for a strong ally and letting me re-ally Stettin and vassalize/annex Rupin/Lusatia/Mazovia peacefully. Unfortunately (but predictably) Russia forced me to cut relations with Sweden (and at this point I don't dare lose that historically accurate Russian bulwark against the Ottomans) but luckily a new regional power had grown out of the eastern starting Austrian provinces: Styria! And it hates my Bohemian rival!

Another interesting side effect of the Russian devil's bargain was it cockblocking me from invading Lithuania by guaranteeing its independence for a solid century. Until, that is, Lithuania made the mistake of vassalizing Galicia-Volhynia, giving me a backdoor war declaration which didn't prompt the Russians to intervene. (Basically the reverse of Geneva dooming so many of my Savoyard attempts.) Nabbed me the entire western border of Lithuania, plus vassalized Galicia-Volhynia myself.

 

So, in retrospect, that apparently disastrous coalition turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

The biggest turning point was spotting the Ottoman Empire weakened by fighting the Timurids (thank you, ledger spying!) which resulted in a gigantic dogpile by myself, Russia, Bohemia, France, Spain, Tuscany, Milan, decisively turning the tables against the Ottomans:

With everyone busy, I also managed to pivot and declare war on Bohemia for slight territorial edge against it (luckily the Turkish gains didn't stack much for "aggressive expansion" purposes; no coalition this time.) Sadly, Hungary also regained much of its territory, but my Styrian allies also made out like bandits.

The elephant in the room (as always) is France, which has increasingly encroached into central Europe and moreover allied the equally powerful Spain through the game's last two centuries. Due to my advance into Lithuania, Russia also breaks its alliance with me. From ~1700 on, East Frisia, Milan, and the Timurids served as surprisingly useful future anvils to my hammer against my actual neighbours, and a follow-up offensive against a weakened Ottoman empire as soon as the truce wore off earned me most of the Balkans and Carpathians.

Then things got boring. Having doubled my territory, for most of the 1700s I struggled to consolidate it. The Age of Revolutions itself seems a pause button, as everyone struggles to violently inhere into the system those bloody peasants! Moreover, Russia allied Portugal and France in addition to Spain allied Scandinavia, leaving things at a decades-long detente. (Though I did wipe out Hungary as an afterthought ~1740.)

 

 

The break came when France turned against Scandinavia, which led the HRE at the time, thereby weakening the empire enough for an incursion against Bohemia and Opole. Then, after another Scandinavian war against the English this time, and empire leadership passing to the far weakened Austria, I again declared war on Bohemia in 1780 as a feint to finally and at long last take the Pomeranian provinces from Lubeck ( FREAKIN' POMERANIA, I SWEAR ! ) The last Austrian provinces in the NW fall to France. Styria automatically gets renamed Austria, yielding the odd situation of finishing a war against Austria by congratulating my ally Austria. Le roi est mort, vive le roi, I guess *shrug*

A large empire's economic strength but military weakness is of course its size, and in 1795, taking advantage of the Chinese kingdoms keeping it busy in the East (plus my Timurid ally) I snagged the entire Russian border, fighting it to a draw until it surrendered the provinces from exhaustion. The last three decades are spent gradually chipping away at Bohemia two or three provinces at a time, plus another advance into Russia. In 1800 East Frisia declares war letting me snatch Riga and another Bohemian province as war ally. Milan declares war on Tuscany. In 1806 the HRE finally disbands. Aaaaand, France and Spain finally declare war on me, which would've ended in disaster had I not managed to run out the clock.

So, class, what have we learned?

First of all, Rostock can kiss my ass.

More importantly, I stand by my statement that ths is a game more about classic 4X opportunistic territorial expansion than a coherent, stable "grand" strategy governing your empire, and alliances shift on a dime. Maybe matters might fall out differently if I try some state less infamously militaristic than Prussia, but I'm not holding my breath.

I love a lot of the smaller mechanics improved in EU4 (too many to even describe) and can certainly appreciate the historically accurate attention to detail. Buuutt... the general direction of the series is still too fixated on world conquest instead of delving each individual state's local adventure. A massive "economic base" penalty to small-medium states vassalizing each other, a weakened infamy system, shorter periods of rebellion after conquest, and AI programmed to give itself massive opinion penalties against you if you "have provinces it wants" plus other changes all add up to forcing the consolidation of large empires if anything even faster than in #3, and aside from the designated winners, most stand little chance of survival.

Look at that last map. Not just the HRE, not just Europe, but Africa and Asia as well spontaneously coalesced into massive blobs, wiping out the vast majority of states. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is one of the last games that should ever have been given a high score counter.