My-i-cide

"You would know wouldn't you?

You extend your hand to those who suffer

To those who know what it really feels like

To those who've had a taste, like that means something"

 

NIN - I Do Not Want This

 

 

How has this haphazard, awkward little journal changed over the years? Slightly improved phrasing, vastly improved typing, more pictures, wordier salads, MMOs died out so I'm not talking much about them anymore... oh yeah and over the last 4-5 years I stopped making plans to kill myself.

This is weird.

Among blogging's unexpected benefits (aside from, in a general sense, howling into the void) has been the catharsis of being able to speak of my obsession with ending it all, if oft obliquely and to no-one in particular. Such outbursts became rather a fixture here in early years. Eventually I even lost two or three steady visitors who'd been checking back for my final note and finally got bored. Too bad. Guess I'm just not that dedicated to the noble craft of bloggery.

 

The morbidity though vastly predates the blog. I'd say to my teens but weirdly enough despite my violent self-hatred, occasional thoughts of snuffin' it didn't rise to prominence until my early twenties. Until then I'd somehow been convinced I'd die at 23 (and something important would happen to me at 26, and yes I did hold both those convictions in my head, with zero context, for several years.*) For various reasons and in tandem with a cycle of anxiety and depression, the fixation then grew, and faded for months at a time but always returned, and recurred on and off for over a decade. Suicidal ideation, they call it.

 

I've been putting off this discussion because I lack the skill the describe it, that mercilessly needling, shaming, self-flagellating mix of insistent impressions, catastrophism, depression, tics and twitches and reflexively reinterpreting everything around, every day, every train, every lake, every high-rise, every bottle of bleach by its pain and efficacy quotients. Once rooted in my interpretation of the world it colored every event.

A family member acts pissy? Must be angry at you. You're too much of a burden, kill yourself.

Failed a quiz? You're worthless, kill yourself.

Broke a plate? You're a waste of resources, kill yourself.

A boss, professor or clerk brushes you off? You're not worth anyone's time, kill yourself.

Locked yourself out of your car? You're worthless, kill yourself.

Wrote a story and it's shit? Further proof you should kill yourself.

Joint pain? You're such a worthless, feeble specimen, kill yourself.

Tooth pain? You deserve it for being so worthless, kill yourself.

Boss tells you you're too slow at work? You're worthless, kill yourself.

Someone compliments you? You're being mocked for being so worthless, kill yourself.

I dreamt about it, both figurately and literally, for years. It grew to where I'd find myself involuntarily mumbling to myself about killing myself when something bad happened. Which is to say when something happened.

Never could cobble together a satisfactory suicide note, either. If I were a better writer maybe I'd be dead by now. Nor did some "off" switch get flipped to remove the underlying thought pattern altogether, but for my own part I've discovered a world of difference between knowing dispassionately that I don't deserve to live and actively wanting to die. Not a distinction I ever thought I'd be making, but, well, here we are.

 

As I realized, belatedly, that such thoughts had not reappeared, that suicidal depression had gone off and hanged itself, I assumed fifteen years' worth of Hamlettish vacillation must needs have garnered me some insight into the matter. Insight should have occurred. Surely I would awaken one morn having braved realms beyond and return like a fairytale hero bearing the secret to life not-offin'-yerself everlasting.

 

No.

 

My reasons both for the obsession and its passing will not be your own. Moreover, the larger result defies analysis for its absurd concatenation of factors.

- My metabolism shifted abrubtly when I hit 30, complete with mood changes.

- I bought a bottle of melatonin (if you're that depressed, your sleep cycle's probably shot to hell and back and back again and back again again) and the first four or five pills hit heavily... then effected a permanent change so that now they're worse than useless to me for side-effects (incidentally, anyone know the going eBay rate for ~90 long-expired melatonin tablets?)

- On a related note, I also started popping the occasional multivitamin. A diet of frozen pizza and mountain dew probably wasn't helping matters. (My current can whispers it probably still isn't.)

- Shrinks/counselors can help, not because they necessarily have any great words of wisdom to offer, but just because they're paid not to gossip. Careful bringing up the S-word though; their profession has a habit of locking you away for that. As fates worse than death go, the cuckoo's nest qualifies.

- Patching up family relations. That was a big one. Takes years too.

- Giving up the lingering insane hope for a mate. Being an evolutionary dead end (whether for incompetence or unwillingness to play the game and submit to the status of draft animal) hurts, sure. Far worse though to play pretend.

- Venting via blogging also helped me organize my thoughts, even if it may not look thus on the page.

- Being openly weird around others instead of trying to mimic normal human behavior. Being regarded as a worthless, disgusting freak is still less stress than pretending not to be one. I don't fit in. Hell, I don't even fit out. Oh well, that's that. Hand me the pelt from under that rock.

- Being less invested in the zeitgeist. Relatively easy for me, being naturally introverted, but in the internet age flame wars still tend to worm their way into your skull.

- Arguably the biggest help came from COVID. Terrible as it may sound, those couple of pandemic years were the best of my life, being given license to do what I always needed: stay indoors and avoid human contact. Only then was I finally able to identify and gradually break the anxiety>depression cycle I'd lived with most of my life.

By no means an instant break. At least a year passed between realizing I'd gone months without fantasizing how the knife would feel finally digging through my forearms and later realizing I'd gone months without falling into weeks-long bouts of depressive funk. Maybe it wouldn't have taken me a decade if the topic were less of a taboo, if even dedicated forums didn't censor honest expression. Back when I was twenty, Trent Reznor and Christopher Baldwin helped more than anyone claiming professional expertise in such matters. A decade later, being able to ramble about it myself did the same. For another year or two afterward I trudged under a lingering fear of relapse to the old obsession, and the thought of turning suicidal again makes me want to kill myself. But that hasn't happened.

 

So.

Then it was and now it isn't. And to be honest, aside from proportionally less misery, I don't feel particularly different. The world's still shit. I'm still shit. Life's still pointless. Only the impetus to add one more pointless action to all the shit around has dissipated. And hey, maybe I'll live to see this entire idiotic species kill itself soon anyway.

_______________________________________________________

* Hey, grave-robbers exist, so not as illogical as it sounds!

Look Di, if ya weren't such a dim bulb, we wouldn't need this ugly thing

 

 

Teut Teut Universalis

"Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. The right house is the house that's for sale. The right person is anyone."

The Simpsons S09E09 Reality Bites

 

 

Well, having abandoned my previous playthrough when Freakin' Pomerania kicked off the Thirty Years' War early, I chanced a few more attempts with the Teutons and finally lived the tell the tale.

 

Normally I'd bumrush the Livonian Order right out the gate for early territorial gains (look, if I don't do it, the Danes or Muscovites will) which stands a good chance of also netting me the profitable Riga, and also befriend Lithuania to forestall a Polish-Lithuanian offensive. Problem with that being I'm not quite adept enough at gaming the politics for war declarations that don't set the whole HRE against me, so it didn't leave much room for expansion.

 

This time I started by allying the Livonians, Bohemia, Hungary and Wolgast (the last being an absolute necessity until I can conquer the province of Netz/Nietz/Notec linking me to my two western provinces.) The key to success turned out to be leaving a diplomat continually currying favors to lower Hungary's opinion of Austria as often as I could. Without Hungary as an ally, Austria did not take off as it normally does, which also generally weakened the HRE far down the line - a double edged sword, as the French made more headway in that direction than I did. (For starters: Alsace got Lorrained.)

One important trick in EU4 vs. EU3: you can juggle the new "powers" currency system by investing in development then rapidly playing catch-up technologically and declaring war on the cusp of institution spread, when empires' tech investment stagnates. In this case I barely scrambled for military tech 8 in time not to get Poled to death. The first big war put me on the defensive but managed to snatch all 6 northern Polish provinces, plus split Stettin with my ally Wolgast, quickly followed by more 1530s land gains in Poland-Lithuania, which damn near bankrupted me but also allowed establishment of that large army with a small state attached.

(Also, since the Livonian Order broke our alliance by refusing to join in the war, it predictably got instantly flattened by Denmark.)

 

Baltic trade started picking up a bit, giving me more cash to play with. Kept Bohemia/Hungary/Wolgast as allies and finagled Switzerland and unfortunately Russia - a devil's bargain, but necessary to protect against Denmark, which has absolutely, intractably hated my Teutonic self in every playthrough. When Protestantism caught up with me I decided to convert, but was forced to devote the next few decades to putting down revolts, paying off my gigantic pile of loans and fighting inflation, and the religious split (along with Bohemia as divisive ally) cost me my Hungarian alliance. A series of Austrian wars left central Europe in shambles.

 

The surprise split of Galicia-Wolhynia from Poland-Lithuania gave me a small but valuable little wedge into their territories. Having to decline a war I was in no economic shape to fight lost me the Bohemian/Wolgast alliances and forced an awkward, desperate, unstable Swedish/Russian/Prussian block to deter the Danes or Ottomans. For a few decades I focused on smaller states, vassalizing Lippe and Ruppin, allying Thuringia, all in an infuriatingly gradual effort at dividing and conquering those nigh-infinite German principalities.

 

In the early 1600s I finally accrued enough leverage to invade Brandenburg and take, among other provinces Berlin. Which is how Werwolfe discovered that even if the "infamy" system was nerfed from EU3 to EU4's "aggressive expansion" it still has its breaking point. That and a last partition of Poland resulted in an almost pan-European coalition against me.

C'mon Bohemia, be cool, we split Poland together!

Dear reader, I don't mind admitting at this point I just exited game and went to bed, and very much wanted to be twelve years old again so I could cry myself to sleep.

...

But, when I fired up EU4 again days later, I survived the coalition by retreating into Siberia, dragging the war out for better terms. In the end I lost my vassals, plus the provinces of Mazovia and Stettin, but kept Berlin and Brandenburg, which was my main goal, so a marginal, technical win.

 

Hilariously, the peace terms worked out even more in my favor in the long run, leaving tiny principalities desperate for a strong ally and letting me re-ally Stettin and vassalize/annex Rupin/Lusatia/Mazovia peacefully. Unfortunately (but predictably) Russia forced me to cut relations with Sweden (and at this point I don't dare lose that historically accurate Russian bulwark against the Ottomans) but luckily a new regional power had grown out of the eastern starting Austrian provinces: Styria! And it hates my Bohemian rival!

Another interesting side effect of the Russian devil's bargain was it cockblocking me from invading Lithuania by guaranteeing its independence for a solid century. Until, that is, Lithuania made the mistake of vassalizing Galicia-Volhynia, giving me a backdoor war declaration which didn't prompt the Russians to intervene. (Basically the reverse of Geneva dooming so many of my Savoyard attempts.) Nabbed me the entire western border of Lithuania, plus vassalized Galicia-Volhynia myself.

 

So, in retrospect, that apparently disastrous coalition turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

The biggest turning point was spotting the Ottoman Empire weakened by fighting the Timurids (thank you, ledger spying!) which resulted in a gigantic dogpile by myself, Russia, Bohemia, France, Spain, Tuscany, Milan, decisively turning the tables against the Ottomans:

With everyone busy, I also managed to pivot and declare war on Bohemia for slight territorial edge against it (luckily the Turkish gains didn't stack much for "aggressive expansion" purposes; no coalition this time.) Sadly, Hungary also regained much of its territory, but my Styrian allies also made out like bandits.

The elephant in the room (as always) is France, which has increasingly encroached into central Europe and moreover allied the equally powerful Spain through the game's last two centuries. Due to my advance into Lithuania, Russia also breaks its alliance with me. From ~1700 on, East Frisia, Milan, and the Timurids served as surprisingly useful future anvils to my hammer against my actual neighbours, and a follow-up offensive against a weakened Ottoman empire as soon as the truce wore off earned me most of the Balkans and Carpathians.

Then things got boring. Having doubled my territory, for most of the 1700s I struggled to consolidate it. The Age of Revolutions itself seems a pause button, as everyone struggles to violently inhere into the system those bloody peasants! Moreover, Russia allied Portugal and France in addition to Spain allied Scandinavia, leaving things at a decades-long detente. (Though I did wipe out Hungary as an afterthought ~1740.)

 

 

The break came when France turned against Scandinavia, which led the HRE at the time, thereby weakening the empire enough for an incursion against Bohemia and Opole. Then, after another Scandinavian war against the English this time, and empire leadership passing to the far weakened Austria, I again declared war on Bohemia in 1780 as a feint to finally and at long last take the Pomeranian provinces from Lubeck ( FREAKIN' POMERANIA, I SWEAR ! ) The last Austrian provinces in the NW fall to France. Styria automatically gets renamed Austria, yielding the odd situation of finishing a war against Austria by congratulating my ally Austria. Le roi est mort, vive le roi, I guess *shrug*

A large empire's economic strength but military weakness is of course its size, and in 1795, taking advantage of the Chinese kingdoms keeping it busy in the East (plus my Timurid ally) I snagged the entire Russian border, fighting it to a draw until it surrendered the provinces from exhaustion. The last three decades are spent gradually chipping away at Bohemia two or three provinces at a time, plus another advance into Russia. In 1800 East Frisia declares war letting me snatch Riga and another Bohemian province as war ally. Milan declares war on Tuscany. In 1806 the HRE finally disbands. Aaaaand, France and Spain finally declare war on me, which would've ended in disaster had I not managed to run out the clock.

So, class, what have we learned?

First of all, Rostock can kiss my ass.

More importantly, I stand by my statement that ths is a game more about classic 4X opportunistic territorial expansion than a coherent, stable "grand" strategy governing your empire, and alliances shift on a dime. Maybe matters might fall out differently if I try some state less infamously militaristic than Prussia, but I'm not holding my breath.

I love a lot of the smaller mechanics improved in EU4 (too many to even describe) and can certainly appreciate the historically accurate attention to detail. Buuutt... the general direction of the series is still too fixated on world conquest instead of delving each individual state's local adventure. A massive "economic base" penalty to small-medium states vassalizing each other, a weakened infamy system, shorter periods of rebellion after conquest, and AI programmed to give itself massive opinion penalties against you if you "have provinces it wants" plus other changes all add up to forcing the consolidation of large empires if anything even faster than in #3, and aside from the designated winners, most stand little chance of survival.

Look at that last map. Not just the HRE, not just Europe, but Africa and Asia as well spontaneously coalesced into massive blobs, wiping out the vast majority of states. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is one of the last games that should ever have been given a high score counter.

Wince upon a time, ouch!

Vagrus: The Revisited Realms

"And Hell was so cold

All the vases are so broken

And the roses tear our hands open

Mother Mary miscarry but we pray just like insects

And the world is so ugly now "

 

Marilyn Manson - Great Big White World

 

 

I suppose it's as good as any a marker of a game's nerdiness (and concomitantly of your own) when you start spotting Sindarin in-jokes among its nomenclature. Upon reinstalling that-game-that-misspelled-my-name-in-its-preorder-credits (a.k.a. Vagrus: The Riven Realms) I decided to start a new playthrough but stick to my usual chaotic neutral elvish wizard/druid routine.

One of my first lore pages informed me we half-elves (full-blooded elves being unavailable as PCs in this setting) are also known as "pereldin" which tidbit I'd missed the first time around. As in half-elda, from the same root word as periannath. So yeah, if the gratuitous Latin wasn't enough for you, have some Elvish. Wanna sneak some Klingon in there for the full wedgie trifecta?

Oh, I've missed you, Vagrus. To the point your name came up in other conversations.

Intriguing enough to preorder, captivating enough at launch, encompassing most angles of good strategy/RPGs and charmingly dedicated to its setting's immersiveness where most developers tend to play the too cool for school card, Vagrus nevertheless suffered initially from some odd misconceptions about its basic design.

 

The first one's an oldie: a time limit on your campaign, an issue the entire industry should have learned to beware following its unpopularity in the original Fallout, to the point Black Isle had to patch it out of the game. Now Lost Pilgrims also had to go back and patch it out of Vagrus, not that it affected me much since I hit the freeplay option anyway. Steeped in fantasy and RPGs are the devs obviously are, they should've realized that while individual quest deadlines can be great, the hero's journey as a whole must center on the hero and not on external constraints. (Or at least not obviously on external constraints.) Also, there's not much point in buying freeform exploration only to race through an optimized linear sequence to the finish line.

Relatedly, development started in the wake of the survival craze kicked off by the likes of Banished and Amnesia, but getting randomly killed by overpowered events plays out very differently in a long RPG campaign. I can handle disasters changing/defeating my game plan in a five-hour Frostpunk game, but losing anything irreplaceable (like companions) during a fifty or hundred-hour RPG campaign is generally a big no-no. Killing off characters, even if it don't get your legs broke by Kathy Bates, should still be handled with commensurate decorum. If resulting from a momentous quest decision (e.g. me tossing Shadowheart to her reverend mother or turning against my party at the end of Dragonfall) sure, it can make for a memorable moral quandary, but permanently, meaninglessly losing your plucky band to random crits merely prompts reloads. Not to mention it'd lock you out of most quests (which as a rule involve a companion combat step along the way) plus the question of utility:

In contrast to most RPGs with a dozen henchmen overflowing only five slots, where letting one die would still leave you with a full party and you'd only really miss out on its personal quest, Vagrus' companions can also fill one or two strategic support roles ("deputies" to you, pahtnah) boosting your economic / strategic efficiency. There do technically exist placeholders (specialists from House Oquo at Drusian Quarry) for some of these roles, but especially on a first playthrough, not having tested the full extent of their availability, not knowing whether you can support them financially, having painstakingly scraped together a stable caravan size and not knowing how much efficiency you can lose before losing viability, not even knowing what viability means for coming challenges, once again strictly equates losing a companion to forcing a reload.

Lost Pilgrims did address this issue in part. Either I'm making better choices or companions' loyalty/favor currying minigame appears more lenient now, as the pissy little whiners haven't been ditching me like they used to. (I do have to wonder why Vagrus didn't just imitate Mount&Blade: Warband's system where companions could be re-recruited after some time in random taverns.) Also, the addition of Vorax in a truly well-traveled location helps with the crippling early-game scarcity. He's rather useless in combat except to soak damage, but while a meat shield doesn't make companion combat any more interesting, at least it makes it less frustratingly reload-prone.

I'm seeing a decrease in other gratuitous punishments hurled at the player. Highway tax events, while still present enough to remind you to favor off-roading when viable, are less frequent. The "crowded camps" morale debuff for a large caravan which so annoyed me has either been lifted or lifted to a much higher headcount threshold. Basically, I criticized Vagrus at launch as a freeform game with a torque wrench fixed idea for how you should progress (especially early on) which is to say the developers presumed they could read their customers' minds but misread us repeatedly. Most changes I'm seeing two years on unfortunately fall into making the game generally easier, but also necessarily acknowledge the old pitfall of putting players through their paces instead of enabling them to actually... y'know... play! Inelegant, but workable.

 

Elegance lies in the writing and in managing trade routes. The Riven Realms wouldn't stand out for basic fantasy set pieces: fireballs, dragons, zombies, demons, the usual Tolkienish races with unfortunately trite modern feel good spins like orcs as noble tribal warriors, and a generically Romanesque empire. But it excels in actually fleshing out these gimmicks, diving into Latin terminology for the empire's culture, playing up the postapocalyptic setting not merely for pathos but for the new culture's adaptations to current conditions, lending each town you visit its own personality whether via inhabitants or geography or major institutions, and managing the rare feat of acting genre-conscious but not jaded at even the most hopelessly re-trod material.

"They turned into ghouls" would read the lazy blurb for such a location as Tectum Kelvar in most other games. (I assume I'm not spoiling much, given you have to fight said ghouls on your way down.) But as blasé as we've justifiably become about zombies, rare are the writers still willing and able to recall the old creeping dread inherent in the infection itself, in the gradual loss of humanity, in the collapse of the cannibalism taboo and of a society not merely instantly breaking down into biters and raiders, but struggling hopelessly as best it can against the inevitable.

 

I'm edging into mid-game now.

I've also raised Criftaa, Gor'Goro and Finndurarth to level 3 and Renkailon to level 2*, allowing me to begin diving farther into the lore, as at Tectum Kelvar. So far I must say my favorite aspect of Vagrus is how well its RP/expository side blends into a core loop more literal than most. Paying your crew by the day you can never afford to stand still, and the name of the game is multitasking to get the most out of each trip. Tour nearby towns, buy low, sell high, balancing supplies vs. profit margins, balancing passengers and pack beasts vs. upkeep costs over your planned travel range. As you level up, become more cost-efficient, amass more cash to finance longer trips, you begin moving in ever wider circles, and every expedition becomes an opportunity to complete some long-standing quest or another.

 

Back when Civilization was still new on the market, many grew fascinated by "one more turn" syndrome, where you keep telling yourself you'll set just this one more thing to rights, finish this one more battle, build this one more courthouse, until you find yourself ninety turns later at 3 a.m. It's gradually been explained by a mix of short and long-term goals, the turn-by-turn resource and unit management feeding into the greater campaign goal of WOWRLD DOMAHNAYSHUN!!! so that one feels neither stuck nor aimless, but constantly, verifiably, reassuringly, validatingly advancing toward success.

 

RPGs accomplish much the same by mixing long-distance quests with opportunistic flower-picking or gear upgrades. Mount&Blade laid out a particularly clear pattern: move in a wide circuit taking advantage of towns' price differences for different trade goods while also maximizing the number of quests you can complete at varying distances and passing through warzones while also giving your army a chance to recover. Due to its more stringent caravan maintenance requirements, Vagrus does an even better job of pacing your outward spiral and interspersing it with plot-based content. You never lose the impetus to stock up on some salt or mushroom beer for sale at the next town; your focus merely shifts toward feeding the profit from salty shrooms toward a long-term accomplishment, rewarding forward planning.

 

So to advance Nedir's quest I'm still short a couple of spectral residues. Maybe It's time I tried that exorcism in Deven... and if I'm headed to Deven I may as well detour through Auguros Work Camp... and if I'm doing that maybe I'll try the valley of sleepers, see what that's about. Ooooh, looks like Tenebvitris currently offers lots of faction quests for Lumen/Arken though. And if I'm detouring west, I may as well set out light, grab that manticore skeleton for the boners over at Ioscian, angle through Drusian then pick up a larger crew in Larnak/Arken, load up on trade goods and maybe detour back through the Shelter or through the Crimson Gate or rush straight to Auguros depending on fetch quest availability. Beer, obsidian, crystal, marble, metal/salt... oooh, maybe a stack of dried fruit on the way back for the bugs? Remember to pick up another book! And if I do eventually hit Avernum for Nedir, I may as well continue through the Sadirar lands and try to finish off their quest chain, then some skullduggery in Larnak I'll likely be ill-suited to, and then? Who knows?

 

Look, it's a simple fifty-seven step plan...

 

And at every step there awaits not just some perfunctory dopamine-boosting LEVEL UP! reward stimulus or trash loot, but another immersively written foray into the cataclysmic world your character inhabits, a lovable little lost waif to escort back to her uncle, a demonic portal to scout, a tragic tale of another lost settlement, a strange new world or new civil-eye-zation. Rewarding both long-term plans and flexible opportunism, both freeform exploration and page-turning lore delving, arithmetic and spatial orientation, self-conscious in its nerdy appeal, poetic yet rarely self-indulgent, vast yet well-paced, I would say Vagrus should kick off a whole new fad in game design... but decades watching this industry repeatedly collapse onto the lowest common denominator leave me instead merely content to number myself among its dedicated, if small, following.

 

Bite ya later, vagri. I've got a caravan to load.

__________________________________

 

* Technically, leveling up your companions from your own XP pool is a good mechanic, laying more burden of choice on the player to prioritize and rewarding a complex game plan. Intellectually, I approve. Viscerally, I hate it. Feels like I'm lending them my underwear.

 

edit 20204/04/25:

Oh, come on, Kadaath in the outer realms? Seriously? And the elf-like race of Ithil? That's Klingon enough for me. Pants' em.

Cc: Utnapishtim

Around 2010 I was reading something from the 1950s and was amused at realizing the author had been inspired by work from the 1890s. More recently I read something that other worker had worked in 1915, and found it odd to see him reference something from 1775. But is it so long ago? 109 years vs. 140, give or take a generation, still amounts to a house of mirrors. Maybe that's what writers are, prisms through which the incommensurate past may be broken into intelligible wavelengths, and refracted futures focused onto a microscope slide. If you can only point your antenna through the static...

Hearing a bit of hub-bub about the Indian election, I notice all the chatter about religious and economic concerns, corruption, trade, development, etc. still omits politicians' stance on that one tiny detail:

POPULATION CONTROL !!!